Valentines day just passed and if you didn't get flowers, candy, or a special evening with that person that you "thought" was your significant other, then it's probably time to start re-evaluating your love life. If you often hear, "I can't spend time with you because I have the children," or "a family member or friend needs me for something," or "I'm too tired," then perhaps it's time to start asking EXACTLY where do you fit in. Signs that you may need to re-evaluate your love relationship occurs when one of the parties in the 'current' relationship starts demonstrating behaviors that s/he may be stuck in the memories of a painful love relationship from the past and do not know how to move forward. Love is the most beautiful of feelings - expect when it goes bad and turns to pain. Many individuals really do not know how to handle the pain of a love relationship gone wrong and this can cause serious problems for their love relationships of the future. There are millions of people who are still in love with past relationships and experiencing the emotion of anger because their love was not returned. Chances are, there are several people you know right now who are still going through the painful process of falling out of love. As a psychologist, I often come in contact with individuals who are still hurting from their past relationships and do not know how to appropriately love the ones they're currently with. Many people get left by their spouses or cheated on by their partners and are left with dealing with the hurt feelings and love they once experienced. So if you cannot stop thinking about what once was with your ex-husband or wife who left you, or you are tragically entangled with a person who is draining you emotionally then you owe it to your present happiness and future fulfillment to listen up.
Here is what you need to do. You have to stop thinking about what once was and what your ex-husband, ex-partner, or soon to be ex-wife is currently doing with his/her time and start concentrating on how you can make the love relationship that you currently have last. You have to turn your focus from the old and onto the new - because there is no "reasonable" person who will deal with being second fiddle to a relationship gone wrong for a very long time. Moreover, if you share children with an individual from a past relationship gone bad, then you and that person must set-up some very definite guidelines for how you will co-parent your children without getting into each others personal business; that's if you are truly ready to move on from the past. It's also very important to acknowledge and remember that things will NEVER be the same again after the family separation. You have to accept this and it is also your job to help your children to understand this too. The ideal of Mommy, Daddy, and children living happily ever after is dead! Your partner cheated on you and s/he changed things forever. As harsh as it may sound, you have to find a way to accept that they no longer desire you, or the old relationship anymore. You also need to accept that s/he is probably now living the life that they "truly desire" and it's time to set them free also. So stop the obsessive thinking about what is no longer a reality for you today!
Remember, nearly all human behavior is learned - so you can learn how to fall out of love too. Because emotional behavior is learned at a primitive (sub-cortical) level of neural conditioning, changing it must involve the same primitive level. No matter how clearly you see that a particular emotional behavior is unhelpful to you, rational insight alone will not equip you to behave in a different fashion. Emotional habits are resistant to logical arguments or good advice, because something that is learned emotionally cannot be dealt with purely at an intellectual level. In other words, your rational mind knows that it is time to move on; however, your emotional brain wants to keep you hostage to the past. .... and the million dollar question is this - is this fair to your new love to be put through this? Would you want to be treated this way? Or should I say, how long do think your "new love" is going to deal with the madness of being second fiddle to your past? Not long I would guess, even if s/he has a high level of love in his/her heart for you. So take care of your business. Take the steps necessary to learn how to fall out of love with your past.
Falling out of love should be a natural process, although it may be a painful one. Most people can and do fall out of love without help; however, others may need assistance. We often say, "time heals all wounds," but if you are still struggling with getting over an old love after a one year period, then you need help with the healing process. After twelve to eighteen months, you should be able to move on to another healthy love relationship. If you find yourself still struggling and holding on to the past, after a one year period then maybe it's time to start utilizing a special behavior therapy healing technique called "thought-stopping." In the thought stopping process, you will work on reducing the frequency of your thoughts of the person from the past relationship by going through desensitization- for dealing with feelings of jealously and rejection; covert sensitization - in which an undesirable behavior is paired with an unpleasant image in order to eliminate that behavior; or positive reinforcement. So instead of struggling with the shadows of your past or still trying to decide who's to blame, or even why you still feel the way you do, why not concentrate on loving yourself more by stepping away from the old and taking positive steps toward the future.
If you are involved in a relationship where someone appears to be afraid to move away from the past and into the future with you because they are not done with a past relationship, I would highly recommend that you put them on a short-term contingency plan. Meaning, give them 30 - 90 days to correct the problem, or you need to move on to something new unless or until they can get the past resolved! Set them free to resolve their issues. And let me tell you, it will hurt your heart tremendously at first if you are already in love with that person, but it will be the best thing for you in the long run. I always say, if you love something set it free. If it does not come back to you, then it was never yours. If it does come back to you then love it completely. Here is a word of advice: You should ALWAYS be top priority in a love relationship .... and if your partner is not making an effort to make you feel special, this should be of major concern to you. I would recommend that you start making some changes today because the longer you accept mediocrity, excuses, and bad behavior, the sooner this will become the norm for your new relationship.
Never allow anyone to treat you like second fiddle to a past relationship! They will probably tell you that they are doing what's best for their children, but oftentimes that is not what it's really about. In reality, their subconscious mind does not know how to close the door to the possibilities of the past. In actuality, they are still trying to protect what they once had. Let me tell you, I know I would not accept this type of behavior, so you should not accept it either!
Let them know that this type of behavior is not acceptable to you! It's time for them to fall out of love from their past relationship-and spend quality time on the current - or they will risk losing you and your love forever!
Your Success Coach,
Dr. Amy
