Relationship Advice: Developing the Mindset to Overcome and Recover from a Heartbreak After a Love Relationship Ends Abruptly

Have you ever had someone that you were in love with announce that he/she needed a “break” to get some things in order and was not planning on not seeing you for a while?  Now whatever the reason may be for that person deciding to no longer see you or interact with you for a period of time can definitely be a devastating time in your life.  So what do you do?  Do you just wait for him/her to get themselves together?  Do you just lie down in a ball of hurt and despair and cry yourself into a depression?  Or, do you fight back mentally?

Well, of course if I were the one advising you I would say to first:  find a way to work through the pain of the lost, and then stay strong and develop the mindset (mental toughness) to handle the heartbreak.  Yes, we can experience heartbreaks as adults; it's not just reserved for our teenage children. The important thing to keep in mind is this:  you should never be with anyone who does not want to be with you, or who does not desire you completely.  Let me give you a big reminder here:  LOVE SHOULD NOT HURT!  As adults, we all have to make complicated decisions in our lives every day in reference to relationships, finance, children, etc.  So when it comes to who we love and who we choose to spend our time with - it should not be a difficult decision - you either want to or not.  Love is not difficult; people make it difficult and complicated. Perhaps you should adopt the mindset that I have.  I truly believe that once we hit our 40's, specifically past the age of 45, the drama in relationships should end.  By the age of 45 you should know what you want in a love relationship, and from whom. 

Relationships are complex and require effort to be successful. When your relationship gets put on ‘timeout’ or ends abruptly, you may feel hurt, confused and angry. Getting over someone you felt close to can be difficult, and even more so if you did not want the separation or breakup. It is important to allow yourself time to grieve for the relationship, and you will normally experience a series of emotions: hurt, denial, anger, and acceptance are just a few of the stages of grief you will undergo. However, you can help speed up the recovery process of getting over the heartbreak by taking control of the situation, rather than allowing the situation to control you. Regardless of the reason(s) of the proposed “break” or breakup, when the relationship looks like it’s over, you need to nurse your wounds so you can move on.   Most importantly, you need to accept the situation as it is presented in front of you.  Remember, ACTION speaks louder than words.  Love is simple:  Basically, you should never have to convince anyone else to spend time with you, Either they are in love with you or they aren’t; it’s that simple.  Even if the other person is still telling you that s/he loves you and misses you, ask them these questions: 
a) Why are we separated?  b) Why are you not here holding me in your arms and loving me?  c)  What’s “really” going on?  What is it that's truly keeping you away from me? 

You have to stop deluding yourself that this is a break and not a breakup. The truth of the matter is when you are in love with someone you don’t want to be away from them for any extended amount of time.  Moreover, when you love someone you have a deep desire to stay in constant contact with them, so how do you explain two, three, even four days passing without any form of communication? Yes, with thine self be true!  Stop fooling yourself that it is a break and not a breakup. 

Here are five recommendations to help you develop the mindset to recover from a heartbreak after a love relationship abruptly ends: 

(1)   Reach back to memories of love.  If you experienced a deep connection with that person it will be difficult at first to get use to the change or separation.  However, choose to focus on the good times, and minimize the thoughts of the bad.  In other words, try to go out on a good note!   

(2)   Avoid being bitter.  Know that it is not healthy to spend time building up hatred towards another person.  Instead work on channeling the hurt feelings into positive energy and direct the focus to the positive things in your life. 

(3)   Let Go and allow God to heal your heart!    Accept that your partner is not where you are in the relationship. You have to also stop listening to the tapes in your head of all the should have’s, would have’s, and could have’s.  Accept that the state you are in right now IS your current reality.  So why not start to evaluate the relationship and see what you can learn from it, and then begin to let it go. 

(4)   Start working on your emotional health.  Consider getting therapy or coaching to help your psyche heal.

(5)   Encourage Yourself to Look your best ever, Change things up. Work on improving yourself and becoming an even better person.  Take a personal enrichment class. Do something different to help define your new life. This would be a great time to focus on some goals you have always wanted to accomplish, or to check out all of the people who have been trying to hit on you when you were in the relationship.  In other words, have fun and remember to live life to the fullest. 

Remember, time heals everything-even a broken heart.

Your Success Coach,

Dr. Amy

Relationship Advice: It is Time to Free Yourself from Painful Love Relationships from the Past

Valentines day just passed and if you didn't get flowers, candy, or a special evening with that person that you  "thought" was your significant other, then it's probably time to start re-evaluating your love life. If you often hear, "I can't spend time with you because I have the children," or "a family member or friend needs me for something," or "I'm too tired," then perhaps it's time to start asking EXACTLY where do you fit in.  Signs that you may need to re-evaluate your love relationship occurs when one of the parties in the 'current' relationship starts demonstrating behaviors that s/he may be stuck in the memories of a painful love relationship from the past and do not know how to move forward.  Love is the most beautiful of feelings - expect when it goes bad and turns to pain. Many individuals really do not know how to handle the pain of a love relationship gone wrong and this can cause serious problems for their love relationships of the future.  There are millions of people who are still in love with past relationships and experiencing the emotion of anger because their love was not returned.  Chances are, there are several people you know right now who are still going through the painful process of falling out of love.  As a psychologist, I often come in contact with individuals who are still hurting from their past relationships and do not know how to appropriately love the ones they're currently with.  Many people get left by their spouses or cheated on by their partners and are left with dealing with the hurt feelings and love they once experienced.  So if you cannot stop thinking about what once was with your  ex-husband or wife who left you, or you are tragically entangled with a person who is draining you emotionally then you owe it to your present happiness and future fulfillment to listen up.

Here is what you need to do.  You have to stop thinking about what once was and what your ex-husband,  ex-partner, or soon to be ex-wife is currently doing with his/her time and start concentrating on how you can make the love relationship that you currently have last.  You have to turn your focus from the old and onto the new - because there is no "reasonable" person who will deal with being second fiddle to a  relationship gone wrong for a very long time.  Moreover, if you share children with an individual from a past relationship gone bad, then you and that person must set-up some very definite guidelines for how you will co-parent your children without getting into each others personal business; that's if you are truly ready to move on from the past.  It's also very important to acknowledge and remember that things will NEVER be the same again after the family separation.  You have to accept this and it is also your job to help your children to understand this too. The ideal of Mommy, Daddy, and children living happily ever after is dead!  Your partner cheated on you and s/he changed things forever. As harsh as it may sound, you have to find a way to accept that they no longer desire you, or the old relationship anymore.   You also need to accept that s/he is probably now living the life that they "truly desire" and it's time to set them free also.  So stop the obsessive thinking about what is no longer a reality for you today!

Remember, nearly all human behavior is learned - so you can learn how to fall out of love too.  Because emotional behavior is learned at a primitive (sub-cortical) level of neural conditioning, changing it must involve the same primitive level.  No matter how clearly you see that a particular emotional behavior is unhelpful to you, rational insight alone will not equip you to behave in a different fashion.  Emotional habits are resistant to logical arguments or good advice, because something that is learned emotionally cannot be dealt with purely at an intellectual level.  In other words, your rational mind knows that it is time to move on; however, your emotional brain wants to keep you hostage to the past.  .... and the million dollar question is this - is this fair to your new love to be put through this? Would you want to be treated this way?  Or should I say, how long do think your "new love" is going to deal with the madness of being second fiddle to your past?  Not long I would guess, even if s/he has a high level of love in his/her heart for you. So take care of your business.  Take the steps necessary to learn how to fall out of love with your past.

Falling out of love should be a natural process, although it may be a painful one.  Most people can and do fall out of love without help; however, others may need assistance.  We often say, "time heals all wounds," but if you are still struggling with getting over an old love after a one year period, then you need help with the healing process.  After twelve to eighteen months, you should be able to move on to another healthy love relationship.  If you find yourself still struggling and holding on to the past, after a one year period then maybe it's time to start utilizing a special behavior therapy healing technique called "thought-stopping."  In the thought stopping process, you will work on reducing the frequency of your thoughts of the person from the past relationship by going through desensitization- for dealing with feelings of jealously and rejection; covert sensitization - in which an undesirable behavior is paired with an unpleasant image in order to eliminate that behavior; or positive reinforcement.  So instead of struggling with the shadows of your past or still trying to decide who's to blame, or even why you still feel the way you do,  why not concentrate on loving yourself more by stepping away from the old and taking positive steps toward the future.    

If you are involved in a relationship where someone appears to be afraid to move away from the past and into the future with you because they are not done with a past relationship, I would highly recommend that you put them on a short-term contingency plan.  Meaning, give them 30 - 90 days to correct the problem, or you need to move on to something new unless or until they can get the past resolved!  Set them free to resolve their issues.  And let me tell you, it will hurt your heart tremendously at first if you are already in love with that person, but it will be the best thing for you in the long run. I always say, if you love something set it free.  If it does not come back to you, then it was never yours.  If it does come back to you then love it completely.   Here is a word of advice:  You should ALWAYS be top priority in a love relationship .... and if your partner is not making an effort to make you feel special, this should be of major concern to you.  I would recommend that you start making some changes today because the longer you accept mediocrity, excuses, and bad behavior, the sooner this will become the norm for your new relationship.

Never allow anyone to treat you like second fiddle to a past relationship!  They will probably tell you that they are doing what's best for their children, but oftentimes that is not what it's really about.  In reality, their subconscious mind does not know how to close the door to the possibilities of the past.  In actuality, they are still trying to protect what they once had.  Let me tell you, I know I would not accept this type of behavior, so you should not accept it either!

Let them know that this type of behavior is not acceptable to you!  It's time for them to fall out of love from their past relationship-and spend quality time on the current - or they will risk losing you and your love forever!

Your Success Coach,

Dr. Amy

When Dealing with Negative Spouses and Family Members

…… you have to find a way to gently lead them to information on how to shift their thinking and upgrade their mindset.

When we have negative people who are very close to us in our lives it can sometimes feel like sleeping with the enemy.  Sometimes it can seem like everything that we do to take one step forward in life, that person will find a way to smash the positive idea and highlight the negatives - thus pushing us two steps back.  So in order to maintain your sanity, you have to find a way to gently lead that person to new information, while at the same time not allowing yourself to get caught up in their negative emotional state. You have to boldly state to them "I am attempting to make positive strides in my life and would prefer to focus on the positive aspects  of the situation."  Let them know that you would prefer that the two of you grow together; however, you are willing to take the lead on this journey until they are willing to join you - keeping in mind that we cannot change another human being.  The desire to change must come from that individual.      

Dealing with negative people in general can be annoying; but managing negative spouses and family members does have a way of sucking the life out of you and hurting you to the core if you don't find a way to effectively deal with it.  Accordingly, you must always be willing and prepared to handle them with white gloves.  

Five Strategies to Deal with your Negative Spouse and/or Family Members:

1)  First and foremost, rather than trying to change the person, instead focus on uplifting and upgrading yourself and your knowledge.  You should remind the person that you love them; however, you would prefer to see more of the optimistic side of their personality.  After stating that, then share with them that you are not up to the battle for a disagreement, sarcastic comments, or anything that is unsubstantiated or opposing  to what you are about.  Instead, invite them to give or share their opinions only AFTER they have taken the time to research or study the subject and are able to have an intelligent conversation about the issue.   2)  Second, do not follow them up!  Let them know that you REFUSE to go down the negative road with them.  Announce that from this moment forward, you will be doing one of three things when they start down the negative path.  
            a.   You will remind (or warn) them once that you are receiving or hearing the 
                  information they are sharing as "negative" and allow them an opportunity to stop 
                  or change the behavior. 
            b.   If they do not cease with the negativity, you will politely gather your
                  belonging and leave the room to retreat to somewere by yourself.
            c.   If via telephone, inform them that you will be ending the conversation
                  immediately, and then hang up.

3) Third, learn to strengthen and encourage yourself.  Oftentimes we get extremely hurt by the negative things that our love ones say and do to us because we somehow gave away our  power to them and got to a point where we rely on them to encourage us. So what you need to do is to learn how to encourage yourself!  Find motivated positive minded people who can support you in your plans.  Surround yourself with people who are doing positive things.  Get to a place of strong emotional intelligence where that loved one words can no longer hurt you. Get tough skin so you can continue to push their negative energy out of your space. 

4)  Fourth, continue to show respect for the person - through their negativity- while demanding it for yourself.  Do not make fun of them, rather, focus on finding a way to stay upbeat and positve through their negativity.   

5)  Fifth, sit down and ask them HOW you can help them to get through this temporary phase.  You want to pose this behavior as a "temporary" situation indicating that you believe that they will change over to the positive enlighted side very soon.

Remember, when dealing with negative love ones, it is very important to concentrate on yourself, your goals and desires, and your behavior rather than on theirs.  DO NOT ALLOW them to take you down a path that does not represent who you are or who you want to become.  Instead, continue to be positive and to take steps in the right direction every day towards your goals and they will eventually see that you are changing or have changed for the better.  What you will  notice is that they will eventually stop the negative talk around you because misery loves company.  So when they notice that their comments are no longer getting a negative response from you, they will choose to change or move on to someone else who will feed into or support their negativity.  

Remember, it's always important to invite them to change and come over to the side of inner peace and happiness as often as you can.    

Your success coach,

Dr. Amy

The Fundamentals of Creating Healthy & Exciting Love Relationships

We recorded a show on Thursday entitled "How to Create Healthy and Exciting Love Relationships" and the feedback was overwhelming.  Almost all of the individuals who were at the taping of the show responded by sharing how the information shared enhanced their mindsets about what is required to create and maintain a healthy and exciting love relationship.  Accordingly, I decided to share a few of the highlighted points on the blog. 

Today we hear a lot about the high rate of divorce (45% - 50% rate) and how difficult it is to find the ideal partner.  In addition, more than ever we hear on the entertainment news channels and in the gossip media how men and women are having more-and-more affairs and stepping outside of their marriages.  But we made the decision to "debunk" the normal negative conversations and be among the select few shows to make the decision to focus all of our attention towards the positives, that is enhancing and upgrading  our love relationships.  I’m here to tell you that you can do this because you DESERVE to be in a quality affectionate love relationship.   

Now in case you are wondering what a “HEALTHY” relationship actually looks like - let me define and describe it for you: 

A healthy love relationship is one where you:

  Show RESPECT and SUPPORT for each other’s personal desires in life;

  Encourage each other to grow, develop, and try new things;

  Have vigorous & constructive  communication; where each person  LISTENS when the other person has something to say;

  SHARE responsibilities & decision-making, and you stay connected with each other (and not get stuck in a peaceful co-existence);

  Learn how to respectfully get through and RESOLVE CONFLICTS.

….. with a Healthy Relationship, the concentration should always be on  BUILDING LOVE, TRUST, LAUGHTER, & HAPPINESS!      

A couple also grows together by developing mutual goals and working together on ways to achieve them. Interestingly, it’s usually the journey toward the achieving the goals, and not necessarily the goals themselves, which help the relationship grow.  So a healthy relationship means you have a love relationship with another person where you offer , and are offered:  validation, understanding, and a sense of being VALUED intellectually, emotionally, and physically. Actually, the more you are willing to share and be shared with; the greater the degree of excitement and closeness you will experience.  

Of course you should also know how to recognize the signs of an UNHEALTHY relationship: 

Here are some of the "bad" signs that you should be aware of:

1.         If your partner ever puts you down, calls you names, criticizes you, or tries to intimidate you (you are NOT in a healthy love relationship).

2.         If your partner tries to control what you do, who you see, what you wear, or how you look  (you are NOT in a healthy love relationship).

3.         If he/she tries to keep you from seeing or talking to your family & friends or tries to ISOLATE you (you are NOT in a healthy love relationship).

4.         If he/she gets EXTREMELY jealous or possessive or EVER becomes violent, or uses THREATS or EMOTIONAL cruelty (you are NOT in a healthy relationship).

5.         If he/she has mood swings and gets very ANGRY & yells at you one minute, and then is sweet and apologetic the next (you are NOT in a healthy love relationship).

So I hope you get the point here, in a healthy love relationship the focus should always be on:  respect, compromise, sharing, exploring together, laughter, active listening, playful communication, and  an openness to give love and be loved!  You must always be flexible and open to change.  So keep this in mind:  A healthy relationship is not a power struggle; the two of you do not have to think the same way about everything. A healthy relationship is not symbiotic; meaning, you don’t have to feel the same way about all things. And, a healthy relationship is not one that is confined to a sexual relationship, but rather should be one that celebrates SHARING & EXPLORING.  To create a healthy and exciting love relationship it’s also very important to keep both physical intimacy (kissing, touching, holding hands) and emotional intimacy (connectedness, commitment, trust) alive.  

Unfortunately, so many people forget about intimacy. Emotional intimacy is one of the building blocks upon which great relationships and exceptional marriages are built.  INTIMACY has four characteristics: Caring, Communication, Commitment, & Common Values: Communication involves accurately conveying your feelings to each other without intimidation, worry of reprisal, or embarrassment.  Caring means being open, honest, and vulnerable to know and be known by your partner.  This level of caring is usually what can take couples to a soul mate connection that will naturally lead to understanding each other on a very deep level.  Commitment means being dedicated  to the well-being and development of each other. In my field, we usually say that there is no better definition of emotional intimacy than a connectedness that exists when two people are enjoying the benefits of commitment and trust toward each other. Common values means holding common fundamental beliefs and core values that results in you and another person seeing and “feeling” the world in the same way. 

 The goal of getting to "healthy relationship" staus is to work in agreement with each other and encourage progression –TOGETHER.    

So here are my top ten recommendations that you can follow to create a healthy & exciting Love Relationship:

First, and foremost YOU MUST BE OPEN FOR LOVE!  Be clear about what you want, and be clear in communicating your desires. Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. You should be able to express your needs directly to avoid any confusion. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. When you do not communicate your needs and desires then the result ends up being disappointed at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader, so get in the habit of expressing your needs.

Second, Maintain Self-respect and Self-esteem. It’s easier for someone to like or love you and to be around you when you like yourself. So start by learning how to upgrade your own self-concept.   

Third, Determine How Both of You Can Get What you Need and What you Want!  Be honest with yourself; be honest with your thoughts & feelings; take the time to learn your partners emotional cues; and be sensitive to what your partner really likes.  

Fourth, View Yourselves as a Team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. You must have respect, respect, respect for each other.

Fifth, Learn How to Manage Differences and Conflict.  This is a major KEY to success in a relationship. Understand this: disagreements don’t sink relationships. Name-calling, negativity, low-self esteem of one partner does. So, you have to learn how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people.

Sixth, Solve Problems as They Arise. Don’t let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defenses against one another and to become fast enemies.  You have to listen, truly listen to your partner’s concerns and complaints without judgment. Remember to always try to look at things from your partner’s perspective as well as your own.

Seventh, If you don’t understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don’t assume.

Eighth, Work Hard at Maintaining Closeness. Closeness doesn’t happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn’t an end goal, it is a journey that never ends.  You must work at keeping your relationship fresh and healthy via regular attention.  

Ninth, Don’t Confuse Sex with Love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.

Finally, NEVER, EVER, ever go to sleep ANGRY, no matter what!

Also, it is very important to remember to:   

a.      Set aside time for each other.

b.      Make a habit of laughing together whenever you can. 

c.       Have playful communication in your relationship!

d.      Keep physical and emotional intimacy alive

e.      Use your senses to keep your stress level in check and your emotional triggers under control. 

Remember,on a fundamental level, relationships represent a search for that wholeness, a search for completeness and the ability to feel as one with another human being. In many ways, this striving for unity with another person is what we all are striving for! 

Your Success Coach,

Dr. Amy 

P.S.  This particular show will air in the new 2011 season, look out for it! 

Remember to post your comments and/or thoughts on the blog. 

    

How to Decide When to End a Long-term Relationship

How to Decide When to End a Long-term Relationship