Relationship Advice: Developing the Mindset to Overcome and Recover from a Heartbreak After a Love Relationship Ends Abruptly

Have you ever had someone that you were in love with announce that he/she needed a “break” to get some things in order and was not planning on not seeing you for a while?  Now whatever the reason may be for that person deciding to no longer see you or interact with you for a period of time can definitely be a devastating time in your life.  So what do you do?  Do you just wait for him/her to get themselves together?  Do you just lie down in a ball of hurt and despair and cry yourself into a depression?  Or, do you fight back mentally?

Well, of course if I were the one advising you I would say to first:  find a way to work through the pain of the lost, and then stay strong and develop the mindset (mental toughness) to handle the heartbreak.  Yes, we can experience heartbreaks as adults; it's not just reserved for our teenage children. The important thing to keep in mind is this:  you should never be with anyone who does not want to be with you, or who does not desire you completely.  Let me give you a big reminder here:  LOVE SHOULD NOT HURT!  As adults, we all have to make complicated decisions in our lives every day in reference to relationships, finance, children, etc.  So when it comes to who we love and who we choose to spend our time with - it should not be a difficult decision - you either want to or not.  Love is not difficult; people make it difficult and complicated. Perhaps you should adopt the mindset that I have.  I truly believe that once we hit our 40's, specifically past the age of 45, the drama in relationships should end.  By the age of 45 you should know what you want in a love relationship, and from whom. 

Relationships are complex and require effort to be successful. When your relationship gets put on ‘timeout’ or ends abruptly, you may feel hurt, confused and angry. Getting over someone you felt close to can be difficult, and even more so if you did not want the separation or breakup. It is important to allow yourself time to grieve for the relationship, and you will normally experience a series of emotions: hurt, denial, anger, and acceptance are just a few of the stages of grief you will undergo. However, you can help speed up the recovery process of getting over the heartbreak by taking control of the situation, rather than allowing the situation to control you. Regardless of the reason(s) of the proposed “break” or breakup, when the relationship looks like it’s over, you need to nurse your wounds so you can move on.   Most importantly, you need to accept the situation as it is presented in front of you.  Remember, ACTION speaks louder than words.  Love is simple:  Basically, you should never have to convince anyone else to spend time with you, Either they are in love with you or they aren’t; it’s that simple.  Even if the other person is still telling you that s/he loves you and misses you, ask them these questions: 
a) Why are we separated?  b) Why are you not here holding me in your arms and loving me?  c)  What’s “really” going on?  What is it that's truly keeping you away from me? 

You have to stop deluding yourself that this is a break and not a breakup. The truth of the matter is when you are in love with someone you don’t want to be away from them for any extended amount of time.  Moreover, when you love someone you have a deep desire to stay in constant contact with them, so how do you explain two, three, even four days passing without any form of communication? Yes, with thine self be true!  Stop fooling yourself that it is a break and not a breakup. 

Here are five recommendations to help you develop the mindset to recover from a heartbreak after a love relationship abruptly ends: 

(1)   Reach back to memories of love.  If you experienced a deep connection with that person it will be difficult at first to get use to the change or separation.  However, choose to focus on the good times, and minimize the thoughts of the bad.  In other words, try to go out on a good note!   

(2)   Avoid being bitter.  Know that it is not healthy to spend time building up hatred towards another person.  Instead work on channeling the hurt feelings into positive energy and direct the focus to the positive things in your life. 

(3)   Let Go and allow God to heal your heart!    Accept that your partner is not where you are in the relationship. You have to also stop listening to the tapes in your head of all the should have’s, would have’s, and could have’s.  Accept that the state you are in right now IS your current reality.  So why not start to evaluate the relationship and see what you can learn from it, and then begin to let it go. 

(4)   Start working on your emotional health.  Consider getting therapy or coaching to help your psyche heal.

(5)   Encourage Yourself to Look your best ever, Change things up. Work on improving yourself and becoming an even better person.  Take a personal enrichment class. Do something different to help define your new life. This would be a great time to focus on some goals you have always wanted to accomplish, or to check out all of the people who have been trying to hit on you when you were in the relationship.  In other words, have fun and remember to live life to the fullest. 

Remember, time heals everything-even a broken heart.

Your Success Coach,

Dr. Amy