The Fundamentals of Creating Healthy & Exciting Love Relationships

We recorded a show on Thursday entitled "How to Create Healthy and Exciting Love Relationships" and the feedback was overwhelming.  Almost all of the individuals who were at the taping of the show responded by sharing how the information shared enhanced their mindsets about what is required to create and maintain a healthy and exciting love relationship.  Accordingly, I decided to share a few of the highlighted points on the blog. 

Today we hear a lot about the high rate of divorce (45% - 50% rate) and how difficult it is to find the ideal partner.  In addition, more than ever we hear on the entertainment news channels and in the gossip media how men and women are having more-and-more affairs and stepping outside of their marriages.  But we made the decision to "debunk" the normal negative conversations and be among the select few shows to make the decision to focus all of our attention towards the positives, that is enhancing and upgrading  our love relationships.  I’m here to tell you that you can do this because you DESERVE to be in a quality affectionate love relationship.   

Now in case you are wondering what a “HEALTHY” relationship actually looks like - let me define and describe it for you: 

A healthy love relationship is one where you:

  Show RESPECT and SUPPORT for each other’s personal desires in life;

  Encourage each other to grow, develop, and try new things;

  Have vigorous & constructive  communication; where each person  LISTENS when the other person has something to say;

  SHARE responsibilities & decision-making, and you stay connected with each other (and not get stuck in a peaceful co-existence);

  Learn how to respectfully get through and RESOLVE CONFLICTS.

….. with a Healthy Relationship, the concentration should always be on  BUILDING LOVE, TRUST, LAUGHTER, & HAPPINESS!      

A couple also grows together by developing mutual goals and working together on ways to achieve them. Interestingly, it’s usually the journey toward the achieving the goals, and not necessarily the goals themselves, which help the relationship grow.  So a healthy relationship means you have a love relationship with another person where you offer , and are offered:  validation, understanding, and a sense of being VALUED intellectually, emotionally, and physically. Actually, the more you are willing to share and be shared with; the greater the degree of excitement and closeness you will experience.  

Of course you should also know how to recognize the signs of an UNHEALTHY relationship: 

Here are some of the "bad" signs that you should be aware of:

1.         If your partner ever puts you down, calls you names, criticizes you, or tries to intimidate you (you are NOT in a healthy love relationship).

2.         If your partner tries to control what you do, who you see, what you wear, or how you look  (you are NOT in a healthy love relationship).

3.         If he/she tries to keep you from seeing or talking to your family & friends or tries to ISOLATE you (you are NOT in a healthy love relationship).

4.         If he/she gets EXTREMELY jealous or possessive or EVER becomes violent, or uses THREATS or EMOTIONAL cruelty (you are NOT in a healthy relationship).

5.         If he/she has mood swings and gets very ANGRY & yells at you one minute, and then is sweet and apologetic the next (you are NOT in a healthy love relationship).

So I hope you get the point here, in a healthy love relationship the focus should always be on:  respect, compromise, sharing, exploring together, laughter, active listening, playful communication, and  an openness to give love and be loved!  You must always be flexible and open to change.  So keep this in mind:  A healthy relationship is not a power struggle; the two of you do not have to think the same way about everything. A healthy relationship is not symbiotic; meaning, you don’t have to feel the same way about all things. And, a healthy relationship is not one that is confined to a sexual relationship, but rather should be one that celebrates SHARING & EXPLORING.  To create a healthy and exciting love relationship it’s also very important to keep both physical intimacy (kissing, touching, holding hands) and emotional intimacy (connectedness, commitment, trust) alive.  

Unfortunately, so many people forget about intimacy. Emotional intimacy is one of the building blocks upon which great relationships and exceptional marriages are built.  INTIMACY has four characteristics: Caring, Communication, Commitment, & Common Values: Communication involves accurately conveying your feelings to each other without intimidation, worry of reprisal, or embarrassment.  Caring means being open, honest, and vulnerable to know and be known by your partner.  This level of caring is usually what can take couples to a soul mate connection that will naturally lead to understanding each other on a very deep level.  Commitment means being dedicated  to the well-being and development of each other. In my field, we usually say that there is no better definition of emotional intimacy than a connectedness that exists when two people are enjoying the benefits of commitment and trust toward each other. Common values means holding common fundamental beliefs and core values that results in you and another person seeing and “feeling” the world in the same way. 

 The goal of getting to "healthy relationship" staus is to work in agreement with each other and encourage progression –TOGETHER.    

So here are my top ten recommendations that you can follow to create a healthy & exciting Love Relationship:

First, and foremost YOU MUST BE OPEN FOR LOVE!  Be clear about what you want, and be clear in communicating your desires. Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. You should be able to express your needs directly to avoid any confusion. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. When you do not communicate your needs and desires then the result ends up being disappointed at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader, so get in the habit of expressing your needs.

Second, Maintain Self-respect and Self-esteem. It’s easier for someone to like or love you and to be around you when you like yourself. So start by learning how to upgrade your own self-concept.   

Third, Determine How Both of You Can Get What you Need and What you Want!  Be honest with yourself; be honest with your thoughts & feelings; take the time to learn your partners emotional cues; and be sensitive to what your partner really likes.  

Fourth, View Yourselves as a Team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. You must have respect, respect, respect for each other.

Fifth, Learn How to Manage Differences and Conflict.  This is a major KEY to success in a relationship. Understand this: disagreements don’t sink relationships. Name-calling, negativity, low-self esteem of one partner does. So, you have to learn how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people.

Sixth, Solve Problems as They Arise. Don’t let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defenses against one another and to become fast enemies.  You have to listen, truly listen to your partner’s concerns and complaints without judgment. Remember to always try to look at things from your partner’s perspective as well as your own.

Seventh, If you don’t understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don’t assume.

Eighth, Work Hard at Maintaining Closeness. Closeness doesn’t happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn’t an end goal, it is a journey that never ends.  You must work at keeping your relationship fresh and healthy via regular attention.  

Ninth, Don’t Confuse Sex with Love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.

Finally, NEVER, EVER, ever go to sleep ANGRY, no matter what!

Also, it is very important to remember to:   

a.      Set aside time for each other.

b.      Make a habit of laughing together whenever you can. 

c.       Have playful communication in your relationship!

d.      Keep physical and emotional intimacy alive

e.      Use your senses to keep your stress level in check and your emotional triggers under control. 

Remember,on a fundamental level, relationships represent a search for that wholeness, a search for completeness and the ability to feel as one with another human being. In many ways, this striving for unity with another person is what we all are striving for! 

Your Success Coach,

Dr. Amy 

P.S.  This particular show will air in the new 2011 season, look out for it! 

Remember to post your comments and/or thoughts on the blog.