When Dealing with Negative Spouses and Family Members

…… you have to find a way to gently lead them to information on how to shift their thinking and upgrade their mindset.

When we have negative people who are very close to us in our lives it can sometimes feel like sleeping with the enemy.  Sometimes it can seem like everything that we do to take one step forward in life, that person will find a way to smash the positive idea and highlight the negatives - thus pushing us two steps back.  So in order to maintain your sanity, you have to find a way to gently lead that person to new information, while at the same time not allowing yourself to get caught up in their negative emotional state. You have to boldly state to them "I am attempting to make positive strides in my life and would prefer to focus on the positive aspects  of the situation."  Let them know that you would prefer that the two of you grow together; however, you are willing to take the lead on this journey until they are willing to join you - keeping in mind that we cannot change another human being.  The desire to change must come from that individual.      

Dealing with negative people in general can be annoying; but managing negative spouses and family members does have a way of sucking the life out of you and hurting you to the core if you don't find a way to effectively deal with it.  Accordingly, you must always be willing and prepared to handle them with white gloves.  

Five Strategies to Deal with your Negative Spouse and/or Family Members:

1)  First and foremost, rather than trying to change the person, instead focus on uplifting and upgrading yourself and your knowledge.  You should remind the person that you love them; however, you would prefer to see more of the optimistic side of their personality.  After stating that, then share with them that you are not up to the battle for a disagreement, sarcastic comments, or anything that is unsubstantiated or opposing  to what you are about.  Instead, invite them to give or share their opinions only AFTER they have taken the time to research or study the subject and are able to have an intelligent conversation about the issue.   2)  Second, do not follow them up!  Let them know that you REFUSE to go down the negative road with them.  Announce that from this moment forward, you will be doing one of three things when they start down the negative path.  
            a.   You will remind (or warn) them once that you are receiving or hearing the 
                  information they are sharing as "negative" and allow them an opportunity to stop 
                  or change the behavior. 
            b.   If they do not cease with the negativity, you will politely gather your
                  belonging and leave the room to retreat to somewere by yourself.
            c.   If via telephone, inform them that you will be ending the conversation
                  immediately, and then hang up.

3) Third, learn to strengthen and encourage yourself.  Oftentimes we get extremely hurt by the negative things that our love ones say and do to us because we somehow gave away our  power to them and got to a point where we rely on them to encourage us. So what you need to do is to learn how to encourage yourself!  Find motivated positive minded people who can support you in your plans.  Surround yourself with people who are doing positive things.  Get to a place of strong emotional intelligence where that loved one words can no longer hurt you. Get tough skin so you can continue to push their negative energy out of your space. 

4)  Fourth, continue to show respect for the person - through their negativity- while demanding it for yourself.  Do not make fun of them, rather, focus on finding a way to stay upbeat and positve through their negativity.   

5)  Fifth, sit down and ask them HOW you can help them to get through this temporary phase.  You want to pose this behavior as a "temporary" situation indicating that you believe that they will change over to the positive enlighted side very soon.

Remember, when dealing with negative love ones, it is very important to concentrate on yourself, your goals and desires, and your behavior rather than on theirs.  DO NOT ALLOW them to take you down a path that does not represent who you are or who you want to become.  Instead, continue to be positive and to take steps in the right direction every day towards your goals and they will eventually see that you are changing or have changed for the better.  What you will  notice is that they will eventually stop the negative talk around you because misery loves company.  So when they notice that their comments are no longer getting a negative response from you, they will choose to change or move on to someone else who will feed into or support their negativity.  

Remember, it's always important to invite them to change and come over to the side of inner peace and happiness as often as you can.    

Your success coach,

Dr. Amy