Relationship Advice: Developing the Mindset to Overcome and Recover from a Heartbreak After a Love Relationship Ends Abruptly

Have you ever had someone that you were in love with announce that he/she needed a “break” to get some things in order and was not planning on not seeing you for a while?  Now whatever the reason may be for that person deciding to no longer see you or interact with you for a period of time can definitely be a devastating time in your life.  So what do you do?  Do you just wait for him/her to get themselves together?  Do you just lie down in a ball of hurt and despair and cry yourself into a depression?  Or, do you fight back mentally?

Well, of course if I were the one advising you I would say to first:  find a way to work through the pain of the lost, and then stay strong and develop the mindset (mental toughness) to handle the heartbreak.  Yes, we can experience heartbreaks as adults; it's not just reserved for our teenage children. The important thing to keep in mind is this:  you should never be with anyone who does not want to be with you, or who does not desire you completely.  Let me give you a big reminder here:  LOVE SHOULD NOT HURT!  As adults, we all have to make complicated decisions in our lives every day in reference to relationships, finance, children, etc.  So when it comes to who we love and who we choose to spend our time with - it should not be a difficult decision - you either want to or not.  Love is not difficult; people make it difficult and complicated. Perhaps you should adopt the mindset that I have.  I truly believe that once we hit our 40's, specifically past the age of 45, the drama in relationships should end.  By the age of 45 you should know what you want in a love relationship, and from whom. 

Relationships are complex and require effort to be successful. When your relationship gets put on ‘timeout’ or ends abruptly, you may feel hurt, confused and angry. Getting over someone you felt close to can be difficult, and even more so if you did not want the separation or breakup. It is important to allow yourself time to grieve for the relationship, and you will normally experience a series of emotions: hurt, denial, anger, and acceptance are just a few of the stages of grief you will undergo. However, you can help speed up the recovery process of getting over the heartbreak by taking control of the situation, rather than allowing the situation to control you. Regardless of the reason(s) of the proposed “break” or breakup, when the relationship looks like it’s over, you need to nurse your wounds so you can move on.   Most importantly, you need to accept the situation as it is presented in front of you.  Remember, ACTION speaks louder than words.  Love is simple:  Basically, you should never have to convince anyone else to spend time with you, Either they are in love with you or they aren’t; it’s that simple.  Even if the other person is still telling you that s/he loves you and misses you, ask them these questions: 
a) Why are we separated?  b) Why are you not here holding me in your arms and loving me?  c)  What’s “really” going on?  What is it that's truly keeping you away from me? 

You have to stop deluding yourself that this is a break and not a breakup. The truth of the matter is when you are in love with someone you don’t want to be away from them for any extended amount of time.  Moreover, when you love someone you have a deep desire to stay in constant contact with them, so how do you explain two, three, even four days passing without any form of communication? Yes, with thine self be true!  Stop fooling yourself that it is a break and not a breakup. 

Here are five recommendations to help you develop the mindset to recover from a heartbreak after a love relationship abruptly ends: 

(1)   Reach back to memories of love.  If you experienced a deep connection with that person it will be difficult at first to get use to the change or separation.  However, choose to focus on the good times, and minimize the thoughts of the bad.  In other words, try to go out on a good note!   

(2)   Avoid being bitter.  Know that it is not healthy to spend time building up hatred towards another person.  Instead work on channeling the hurt feelings into positive energy and direct the focus to the positive things in your life. 

(3)   Let Go and allow God to heal your heart!    Accept that your partner is not where you are in the relationship. You have to also stop listening to the tapes in your head of all the should have’s, would have’s, and could have’s.  Accept that the state you are in right now IS your current reality.  So why not start to evaluate the relationship and see what you can learn from it, and then begin to let it go. 

(4)   Start working on your emotional health.  Consider getting therapy or coaching to help your psyche heal.

(5)   Encourage Yourself to Look your best ever, Change things up. Work on improving yourself and becoming an even better person.  Take a personal enrichment class. Do something different to help define your new life. This would be a great time to focus on some goals you have always wanted to accomplish, or to check out all of the people who have been trying to hit on you when you were in the relationship.  In other words, have fun and remember to live life to the fullest. 

Remember, time heals everything-even a broken heart.

Your Success Coach,

Dr. Amy

Chronic Stress Related Illnesses and its Affects on Your Body: Migraine headaches,high blood pressure, sexual dysfunction, etc.

Did you realize that almost 75% of all doctor visits are stress related?  Yes, stress and health are closely connected.  Research shows the effects of stress on the body and mind influence stress related illnesses.  In today’s fast pace lifestyle, many people are overwhelmed and stressed out in their lives due to financial problems, work related issues, or martial/divorce problems and these issues are causing major stress related illnesses every day. Coping with stress can be a difficult task.  Stress is the body's reaction to any change that requires an adjustment or response. The effects of stress can be positive - keeping us alert and ready to avoid danger- while, on the other hand it can also become negative. This occurs when a person faces continuous challenges without relief or relaxation between challenges and physical illnesses related to stress develop as a result. Stress affect your overall health in many ways; the signs, physical symptoms or emotional symptoms of stress vary from person to person, but all have the potential to harm your health and emotional well-being. In fact, some evidence suggests that repeated release of stress hormones produces hyperactivity in the hypothalamus-pituitary axis and disrupts normal levels of serotonin, the nerve chemical that is critical for producing feelings of well-being. Stress causes blood to become stickier (possibly in preparation of potential injury), increasing the likelihood of an artery-clogging blood clot.

Chronic stress affects the immune system in complex ways, which may have various effects on the body.  Some examples of stress related illnesses are:

·         Migraine headaches and most other headaches

·         High blood pressure

·         Muscle tension

·         Ulcers

·         Insomnia

·         Sexual Dysfunction

·         Cancer

MIGRAINE HEADACHES:  Stress and anxiety can lead to tension that will eventually cause headaches. A common cause of stress headaches is increased muscle tension around the eyes, forehead and neck.  Tension-type headache episodes are highly associated with stress and stressful events. Some research suggests that tension-type headache sufferers may actually have some biological predisposition for translating stress into muscle contractions. Among the wide range of possible migraine triggers is emotional stress (although the headaches often erupt after the stress has eased).

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE:  Heart attack and high blood pressure have both been proven to be caused by increased or continuous unresolved stress called stacking.  High blood pressure puts undue stress on the blood vessel walls which may burst and cause a stroke.  This also causes increased pressure to be placed on the circulatory system and puts an unhealthy strain on the heart which in turn greatly contributes to the occurrence of heart attacks. Studies have reported an association between stress and hypertension (high blood pressure), which may be more pronounced in men than in women. According to some evidence, people who regularly experience sudden spikes in blood pressure caused by mental stress may, over time, develop injuries in the inner lining of their blood vessels. In one 20-year study, for example, men who periodically measured highest on the stress scale were twice as likely to have high blood pressure as those with normal stress. By reducing stress and lowering blood pressure you can greatly lower the risk of stroke and heart attack.

MUSCLE TENSION AND ACHES:  It has been reported that muscle tension is probably the cause of all stress headaches.  Muscle tension caused by stress includes having a stiff neck or shoulders or lower back pain.  Tightness in your muscles occurs during periods of stress. This occurs to enable you to move and be coordinated. However, an extended period of stress can result in sore muscles


ULCERS:  Stress produces excessive stomach acids that can destroy the lining of the stomach.  Stress also tenses and contracts the muscles of the stomach as it does the rest of the body and prevents proper digestion of food. Reducing stress reduces acids, promotes healing and good digestion.
 
INSOMNIA & CHRONIC FATIGUE:  The release of stress hormone under influence of stress will stimulate the brain preparing it to respond to the external stressor. Under constant or prolonged stress, the elevated level of stress hormones tend to keep the brain in an alert state and this causes the person to have difficulty going to sleep. When this continues, the person will be exhausted leading ultimately to chronic fatigue, which is a commonly seen physical symptoms of stress.  Also, being over worked, over stimulated and not coping with stress will keep you from sleeping, which in turn will add more to the stacking effect of stress in your life.   When the brain is over stimulated, the body produces adrenaline a chemical produced by the brain which is the natural stimulant that produces alertness and gives you the extra energy you might need to fight off whatever stressful problems you may be faced with. In order for you to go to sleep, the adrenaline has to be shut off and/or reduced so the body can begin to produce melatonin (a chemical produced by the brain that induces relaxation and sleep.)


RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS:  Rheumatoid arthritis is a disease of the immune system.  It is an auto immune illness in which antibodies (a substance in the blood that
normally destroys bacteria and neutralizes poisons) becomes misdirected against the body's own cells resulting in tissue damage.  Stress and tension and depression adds to the severity of this arthritis.  Like other stress induced or stress aggravated illnesses, rheumatoid arthritis often can be contained or completely diminished through a program of stress management.

SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION:  Stress can lead to diminished sexual desire and an inability to achieve orgasm in women. Stress response can also cause temporary impotence in men. Part of the stress response involves the release of brain chemicals that constrict the smooth muscles of the penis and its arteries. This constriction reduces the blood flow into and increases the blood flow out of the penis, which can prevent erection.


CANCER:  Though not scientifically proven to have a direct link to stress, it is believed that stress is a major factor that causes many different types of cancer. The reason being that stress weakens the immune system, which makes our body more susceptible to the “invasion” by cancer cells, and therefore has fewer and weaker cells to do the work of fighting off problems. The T cells in the immune system are the body's only real means of defending itself against cancer cells and they can only be created during the bodiy's relaxation cycle. By regularly decreasing your stress level, and not allowing the body to achieve the stress stacking effect, you can improve the body’s defense system. Increasing relaxation time increases T cell count and reduces the risk of cancer. Remember, stress weakens the immune system, significantly reducing the number of T cells in the body which are responsible for defending it against the malignant cancer cells.  Stress can also reduce the number of new T cells being created and reduce the amount of new blood cells being created and this dangerous combination can actually compromise your immune system.  And a compromised immune system paves the way for many different illnesses and diseases. The good news is that research has shown that the mind is able to induce its own relaxation response which adds to the body’s natural ability to create T cells. By deliberately inducing the relaxation response; such as watching a relaxation video, walking, exercising, reducing stress, listening to music etc., you can increase the T cell production and strengthen your entire immune system.

You must get control of the chronic stress in your life!  Keep in mind that the physical illnesses related to stress listed above can be caused by other psychological or physical problems, so it’s important that you consult and seek the advise of a doctor.

Your Success Coach,

Dr. Amy

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* Disclaimer:  The information contained on this blog page is for general reference purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice.  You should always seek the advice of your physician before starting any new treatment.

Dr. Oz's Success Habits for a Healthier Life

Dr. Oz's Success Habits

As featured in one of the cover stories for SUCCESS MAGAZINE, Dr. Mehmet Oz says you can make a habit for a healthier life—no matter how chaotic yours is. "We are designed to withstand stress; it's a natural part of life," Oz tells SUCCESS. "When you have no stress, you're almost certainly dead already." So embrace the natural stress you encounter and make a game plan for it. Here are three ways Dr. Oz says you can do so:

1. Build teams.
"It's very hard for anyone to be able to understand all facets of a problem, especially when you're dealing with complex problems with the real opportunity to make the world better. It doesn't mean you can't be the executive and make the decisions about what needs to be done, but you have a team of people you trust to provide support and perspective," Oz says.

2. Forgive people.
"You've got to forgive people. You come in contact with a lot of people and they will disappoint you at times. Give them a chance to surprise you again."

3. Put your ideas into action.
"Success is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. I don't care how good you are, how many good ideas have you—a great idea on the back of a napkin is worth the price of the napkin. A thought has zero value without execution behind it. You've got to spark putting the pieces together.

The Amazing Dr. Oz

 Reprinted from Success Magazine

Between TV appearances, and magazine and newspaper interviews, Dr. Mehmet Oz hosts the Dr. Oz Show on XM Satellite Radio, consults patients and performs more than 200 surgical procedures each year. This cardiothoracic surgeon has published more than 400 articles for consumer and medical publications and is the co-author of the best-selling YOU book series. That’s all in addition to being a professor and vice chairman of surgery at Columbia University, director of the Cardiovascular Institute, as well as director of the Complementary Medicine Program at New York Presbyterian Hospital. It’s no wonder Time magazine listed Oz as one of the world’s most influential people and Oprah Winfrey has dubbed him “America’s Doctor.”

Clearly, this 48-year old surgeon, entrepreneur, husband and father leads a busy life. He knows success doesn’t come without significant effort and a fair amount of stress. But stress is something Oz can handle, and it’s one of the “major agers” he is passionate about helping people understand. More than how to just survive stress, Oz teaches people how to offset its aging effects by developing healthy physical, mental, lifestyle and even fiscal habits.

“We are designed to withstand stress; it’s a natural part of life,” Oz says. “When you have no stress, you’re almost certainly dead already.” Any change to the body’s natural balance creates stress, but not all stress is bad. For example, exercise initiates change within the body: faster pulse, increased oxygen intake, the release of endorphins and other beneficial chemicals. Episodic stress, like exercise, is good for the system and can result in lower blood pressure and a healthier body. But in today’s fast-paced culture, Americans often fall victim to the downside of stress.

“The chronic, unrelenting stress, which is so typical of the modern life, is what we have trouble with because it doesn’t allow our system to reset itself,” Oz says. Unlike exercise, which revs the body’s engine and then allows it to return to its natural rhythm, ongoing stress keeps the body in a state of tension. This can be unhealthy for a number of reasons, but perhaps one of the most detrimental effects is aging.

Ongoing stress—the constant pressure of deadlines, politics at work, a dripping faucet, financial problems— makes people feel as if they’re perpetually behind, that they no longer have control. “That’s what’s behind the stress that’s really detrimental to us,” Oz says. “As soon as you’re no longer in control of your destiny—you’re not running after the prey but being run after—the benefi ts of stress begin to shift away from you."

The problem is not stress itself, but an individual’s reaction to it. Here’s the good news: While it’s impossible (and undesirable) to control everything and everyone around you, one thing you can always control is your reaction. By developing a game plan for life, you’re more likely to react positively and at least mitigate the negative effects of stress.

Making Exercise Routine

Becoming active is one of the best things a person can do to improve overall health. And before you say it, Oz doesn’t allow the “I’m too busy” excuse.

“You only have to work out for half an hour a day,” he says, and walking at a good, heart-pumping pace is a huge step in the right direction. “Do it by incorporating exercise into your job, take the stairs from one meeting to the next. Develop a routine so you’re not ‘working out,’ but it’s just part of your day. It’s the small things that make a big difference.”

Oz points out that Manhattan has a lower incidence of obesity than many cities because walking is part of the daily routine. “It’s too expensive to drive a car, so you walk. I biked from New Jersey into the city for more than a decade when I first came to New York,” Oz says, and exercise was only one of the benefits. “I did it in part because I didn’t have a car, but the main reason was I was by myself—no one could talk to me. I had an hour by myself when it was peaceful and I would come across the bridge and there was no traffic, no one was controlling my destiny but me. There’s a lot to be said for that. “In most parts of the country, you can’t walk [to work]. So we have to build communities long term that allow people to walk,” he says. “In the meantime, you’ve got to create your own existence.”

Eating Healthy

What goes into the body is also critically important. For Oz, a simple rule is: “Your diet should be rich in foods that come out of the ground looking the way they look when you eat them.” Natural, whole foods are the key to a nutrient-packed, healthy diet. Fresh produce, 100 percent whole-grain breads, 100 percent juice are all good options. When shopping, Oz says, “Look at food labels. Avoid trans-fats, which are hydrogenated oils; saturated fats, which are fats that are solid at room temperature; and simple carbohydrates, which on a food label look like simple sugar, alcohol sugars and molasses. You want to reduce the amount of these in your diet.”

Good health prepares the body to deal with stressful situations and it begins with healthy physical habits. But Oz says poor diet and lack of exercise aren’t detrimental only to adults. “If you look at the increased incidence of obesity in this country, it’s doubling among adults but it’s tripling among kids,” he says. “This is not just a problem we ought to get around to when we can. You can’t have a wealthy society if you’re not a healthy society.”

Building a Support Network

Successful people know the power of surrounding themselves with positive people. But Oz points out that one’s social network can be the key to a longer life.

“Major life events that are stressful— divorce, bankruptcy or any major financial stress, litigation, getting fired or losing your job for any reason—these strip away, on average, about eight years from your life,” Oz says. “If you have a social network intact that can support you during these diffi cult times, you can cut away three-fourths of the aging. So from the pure aging perspective, you can go from losing eight years for bankruptcy to losing two years of life. It’s still a detriment, it’s not good for you, but you can cope.”

In the parts of the world where people have the greatest life expectancy, relationships take priority. “People who are lonely do not do well long term,” Oz says. “Which is why active maintenance in friendships and networking, the role of the family, keeping people you love and who love you near you are very important drivers of healthy aging.”

One of the biggest challenges people have is the inability to live in the moment; “They don’t enjoy the now,” Oz says. “When you think about it, worry, fear, all the big stressful events are primarily issues of past or future; very few of them are issues of now. Meditation is one of the ways to put you in the moment. By getting into the moment you have probably the best stress-reduction technique of all.

“You start with breathing, but ultimately you control heart rate, brain wave function; you begin to control how your body responds to everything—good and bad. And that’s an important insight to know you can control the body to that degree.”

A Positive Outlook

Surrounding yourself with a supportive network and learning to live in the moment are part of the habit of optimism. “Your level of optimism and pessimism directly impacts how you cope with stress,” Oz says. Your outlook on life can also affect your physical health. The physical effects of attitude are best measured in illness. “When you compare pessimistic to optimistic people facing similar diagnosis, the infection rates shift, survival rates shift,” he says. “We think there’s a connection between mood and immune cell function.”

He explains the connection this way: “If you feel stressed and attacked and you’re pessimistic, you send different signals to immune cells which suppress helper T cells. Then your T-cell function, which would normally enhance your ability to withstand infection, starts to decline so you become more prone to infections. You also stimulate a maladaptive response in your immune system, which can create too many antibodies, and that can increase the risks of thrombosis, blood vessel spasms and the like.”

Another way to think of the effects of stress is to think of your body as being on an “autopilot system,” Oz says. “That auto-pilot system is supposed to be able to undulate—to be able to go back and forth between being revved up and not. But if you’re pessimistic, that autopilot system can fi x itself in a very ‘on’ position. It never turns off because you feel attacked. You magnify the stressful state rather than mitigating it.”

By maintaining an optimistic view of life—even during stressful situations—you give your body the chance to breathe, to recuperate. One of the ways to develop and maintain a positive attitude is to live with passion. “You have to have passion in life—you have to have a reason to keep your heart beating,” Oz says. “Pursue what you love in life.”

Habits for a Wealthy Life

It may seem strange for a doctor to be concerned about someone’s financial status. But on his radio show, Oz devotes serious airtime to credit, debt and money discussions. As long as insurance covers the bills, why would a doctor care about your financial well-being? Because money—specifically a lack of money—can contribute to stress, illness and aging. Oz, who earned an MBA from the Wharton School of Business while attending the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, sees a significant correlation between finances and health. “Four of the major causes of illness are driven by bankruptcy,” he says.

“And for personal bankruptcy, illness is by far the No. 1 cause. The reason bankruptcy is such a problem for us is that we lose the locus of control. And when you don’t have confi dence that life is going to work out for you—that you actually have some element of control over what’s going to happen in that life—you begin to develop chronic issues like hypertension, obesity.”

When hard times hit, maintaining a sense of control helps reduce stress and its effects. That’s why having a strong social network of friends and family who offer mental and even financial support is beneficial. It’s also why having an emergency fund is important. Though he isn’t a financial advisor, Oz gladly shares a simple tip he follows: Put aside 10 percent of what you earn. “I tithe myself,” he says. “This was true when I was making $29,000 a year as an intern, and it’s true with my money now. Ten percent of what I earn, I don’t touch. It’s as though I did not earn that money. I don’t actually put it aside for a rainy day. I’m putting it aside because that buys me peace of mind.”

Even if he never spends it, he says the peace of mind it gives him is worth saving that money. Peace of mind… it goes back to having a sense of control, which lowers stress levels, which reduces the likelihood of developing stress-related illnesses. While you can’t predict the future, you can prepare for it. By making an investment in your health with exercise and good eating habits, developing good mental habits, maintaining positive relationships and making wise financial decisions, you can offset the effects of stress and live a longer, healthier and happier life.

Article Written by:  Erin  Casey  For Success Magazine

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For Assistance with creating success habits for your life contact Dr. Amy today!

Email:  dramy@amyhymes.com

Office:  (703) 873-7086
The Prescription To Reach Abundant Success

Relationship Advice: It is Time to Free Yourself from Painful Love Relationships from the Past

Valentines day just passed and if you didn't get flowers, candy, or a special evening with that person that you  "thought" was your significant other, then it's probably time to start re-evaluating your love life. If you often hear, "I can't spend time with you because I have the children," or "a family member or friend needs me for something," or "I'm too tired," then perhaps it's time to start asking EXACTLY where do you fit in.  Signs that you may need to re-evaluate your love relationship occurs when one of the parties in the 'current' relationship starts demonstrating behaviors that s/he may be stuck in the memories of a painful love relationship from the past and do not know how to move forward.  Love is the most beautiful of feelings - expect when it goes bad and turns to pain. Many individuals really do not know how to handle the pain of a love relationship gone wrong and this can cause serious problems for their love relationships of the future.  There are millions of people who are still in love with past relationships and experiencing the emotion of anger because their love was not returned.  Chances are, there are several people you know right now who are still going through the painful process of falling out of love.  As a psychologist, I often come in contact with individuals who are still hurting from their past relationships and do not know how to appropriately love the ones they're currently with.  Many people get left by their spouses or cheated on by their partners and are left with dealing with the hurt feelings and love they once experienced.  So if you cannot stop thinking about what once was with your  ex-husband or wife who left you, or you are tragically entangled with a person who is draining you emotionally then you owe it to your present happiness and future fulfillment to listen up.

Here is what you need to do.  You have to stop thinking about what once was and what your ex-husband,  ex-partner, or soon to be ex-wife is currently doing with his/her time and start concentrating on how you can make the love relationship that you currently have last.  You have to turn your focus from the old and onto the new - because there is no "reasonable" person who will deal with being second fiddle to a  relationship gone wrong for a very long time.  Moreover, if you share children with an individual from a past relationship gone bad, then you and that person must set-up some very definite guidelines for how you will co-parent your children without getting into each others personal business; that's if you are truly ready to move on from the past.  It's also very important to acknowledge and remember that things will NEVER be the same again after the family separation.  You have to accept this and it is also your job to help your children to understand this too. The ideal of Mommy, Daddy, and children living happily ever after is dead!  Your partner cheated on you and s/he changed things forever. As harsh as it may sound, you have to find a way to accept that they no longer desire you, or the old relationship anymore.   You also need to accept that s/he is probably now living the life that they "truly desire" and it's time to set them free also.  So stop the obsessive thinking about what is no longer a reality for you today!

Remember, nearly all human behavior is learned - so you can learn how to fall out of love too.  Because emotional behavior is learned at a primitive (sub-cortical) level of neural conditioning, changing it must involve the same primitive level.  No matter how clearly you see that a particular emotional behavior is unhelpful to you, rational insight alone will not equip you to behave in a different fashion.  Emotional habits are resistant to logical arguments or good advice, because something that is learned emotionally cannot be dealt with purely at an intellectual level.  In other words, your rational mind knows that it is time to move on; however, your emotional brain wants to keep you hostage to the past.  .... and the million dollar question is this - is this fair to your new love to be put through this? Would you want to be treated this way?  Or should I say, how long do think your "new love" is going to deal with the madness of being second fiddle to your past?  Not long I would guess, even if s/he has a high level of love in his/her heart for you. So take care of your business.  Take the steps necessary to learn how to fall out of love with your past.

Falling out of love should be a natural process, although it may be a painful one.  Most people can and do fall out of love without help; however, others may need assistance.  We often say, "time heals all wounds," but if you are still struggling with getting over an old love after a one year period, then you need help with the healing process.  After twelve to eighteen months, you should be able to move on to another healthy love relationship.  If you find yourself still struggling and holding on to the past, after a one year period then maybe it's time to start utilizing a special behavior therapy healing technique called "thought-stopping."  In the thought stopping process, you will work on reducing the frequency of your thoughts of the person from the past relationship by going through desensitization- for dealing with feelings of jealously and rejection; covert sensitization - in which an undesirable behavior is paired with an unpleasant image in order to eliminate that behavior; or positive reinforcement.  So instead of struggling with the shadows of your past or still trying to decide who's to blame, or even why you still feel the way you do,  why not concentrate on loving yourself more by stepping away from the old and taking positive steps toward the future.    

If you are involved in a relationship where someone appears to be afraid to move away from the past and into the future with you because they are not done with a past relationship, I would highly recommend that you put them on a short-term contingency plan.  Meaning, give them 30 - 90 days to correct the problem, or you need to move on to something new unless or until they can get the past resolved!  Set them free to resolve their issues.  And let me tell you, it will hurt your heart tremendously at first if you are already in love with that person, but it will be the best thing for you in the long run. I always say, if you love something set it free.  If it does not come back to you, then it was never yours.  If it does come back to you then love it completely.   Here is a word of advice:  You should ALWAYS be top priority in a love relationship .... and if your partner is not making an effort to make you feel special, this should be of major concern to you.  I would recommend that you start making some changes today because the longer you accept mediocrity, excuses, and bad behavior, the sooner this will become the norm for your new relationship.

Never allow anyone to treat you like second fiddle to a past relationship!  They will probably tell you that they are doing what's best for their children, but oftentimes that is not what it's really about.  In reality, their subconscious mind does not know how to close the door to the possibilities of the past.  In actuality, they are still trying to protect what they once had.  Let me tell you, I know I would not accept this type of behavior, so you should not accept it either!

Let them know that this type of behavior is not acceptable to you!  It's time for them to fall out of love from their past relationship-and spend quality time on the current - or they will risk losing you and your love forever!

Your Success Coach,

Dr. Amy

Dr. Amy's Strategies to Get Promoted in Corporate America

Have you ever wondered how you can get a leg up on the competition when it comes to getting promoted on your job?  Well let me tell you, if you want to get promoted in Corporate America today, you must develop a plan of action and take the time to learn the process and the strategies to get you to the top.

To get the edge over the competition today, employees are left with no choice but to add value to their qualifications with important skills that exhibit their true potential.  What we are seeing in the workforce today is an overall development and expansion of the individual employee.  Today, you have to be able to “show” and “tell” what you can do in order to stand out from the crowd.  In the past these all important advance skills or what we call “soft skills” were acquired over a lifetime through trial & error.  However, in the workforce today, we are seeing a major shift in what is considered the norm.  Today, many well-informed and “progressive-minded” people are taking charge of their own careers and taking the smart step up the corporate ladder by mastering their soft skills or “people skills” – through training seminars, conferences, and one-on-one coaching engagements conducted by companies like mine.  They are utilizing new strategies to position themselves to rapidly move up the corporate ladder when the opportunity presents itself.   Can you believe people are actually strategically planning their promotions and moves up the corporate ladder well in advance?        

Documented studies conducted by Harvard University and Stanford Research Institute, report that technical skills & knowledge contribute to only 15% of an individual’s success; while soft skills make up the remaining 85%. Isn’t that amazing?  This evidence has supported the human resources stand of “people” skills, being the first point of impact when two individuals meet. 

So what I am saying here is that you can actually get ahead in your company by developing your soft skills or “people skills.” Soft skills are defined as:  personal attributes that enhances an individual’s relationships, job performance, and future career projections.  These are competencies such as:      

·        Effective Communication Skills & Active Listening,

·        Self-Management & Emotional Intelligence;

·        Team Building & Conflict Resolution;

·        Becoming Politically Savvy; and

·        Exercising Leadership - just to name a few

Unlike hard skills or “technical skills,” which tend to be specific to a certain type of job or task, soft skills are what will get you promoted and noticed.  To learn these skills, you may need to change your mindset just a bit, and I recognize that any type of change can be a challenge.  But if you want to move up on the corporate ladder, then you must be willing to do it! Because if you are one of those people who still believe that the “senior” person or the most “talented” person is the one getting promoted within companies today, then it’s time to give you a wake-up call.  (Come in and listen up ... here's some free advice:  you are probably NOT the person getting selected for the high-level promotions within your organization because you do not stand out from the bunch with a helping attitude; your communication skills are probably not strong, and/or you are not known by upper management.  Moreover, you are probably still under the unrealistic expectation that you should get promoted because you are the most senior person in the department. Well, let me tell you, it is not reality!  Being competent at your job is only a small factor in the promotability equation; remember everyone else is probably just as knowledgeable as you.   Accordingly, you must find a way to stand out from the crowd and add value to your department and the organization.

As I evaluate my client organizations and look around to see who actually gets promoted within organizations, I have noticed that it is not always the smartest person.  Rather, it is often the person who is best known and most LIKED within the organization.  Yes, you heard it right, the people getting the big time promotions today are the ones willing to play the promotional “political” game.  Here’s the secret:  To successfully win at the promotions game, you must first learn how the game is played and what techniques & strategies it takes to win. Your challenge along the way will be to:

     §    Adopt a new success mindset about the process;

§    Refine your strategic moves and soft skills along the way; and

§    Have someone else- within the organization- to be a champion for you. 

Remember, in today’s work environment, it is not just what you know, it is,   “ What you know - combined with WHO knows you!!!” Yes, believe it or not, in order to climb the corporate ladder and actually GET PROMOTED.….. “several” people must know you & the quality of your work.  You must find people who can actively champion your work – and this is how people are being recognized and promoted within organizations today.  They find managers and leaders who can promote them and get the word out about their skills, abilities, and can-do attitudes. In view of this, you have to learn how to aggressively network your way through your organization to get the attention of key decision-makers and upper management! 

Here are my top ten recommendations to get promoted in your career :

(1)     Start with a change in mindset

a.     First, recognize and accept that you will need to make a few changes in your mindset, behavior, and actions

b.    Develop strong soft skills-i.e, communication skills, emotional intelligence skills, and active listening skills.

c.     Become a master at conflict resolution and helping to solve other people’s problems

(2)     Determine where you want to be on the corporate ladder, and then develop a specific plan to help you to get there!

(3)    Focus on your personal development & growth: 

a.  Have a formal 360-degree assessment review to get feedback from your boss, your peers, your customers, and friends on your strengths and areas that you may need to improve in and/or work on.    

b.  Develop the attitude & attributes that upper management looks for in their top talented employees. 

·  Become big picture focused;

·  Think corporate culture;

·  Think team instead of “I;”  

·  Be able to think on your feet;

(4)     Become politically savvy.  Start acting the part and dressing like the person you want to become.

(5)    Be willing to take on more responsibility and excel at customer relationships and customer service

(6)     Have someone within the organization to be your champion

(7)     Find out what people in the position(s) you desire DID to get to where they are.

a.     What training classes did they take?

b.    What types of stretch assignments did they volunteer for?

c.     What positions did they have prior to prepare them for the seat they are sitting in now?

d.  Who did they use as a mentor or coach?

  

(8)    Volunteer to do “STRETCH ASSIGNMENT” or to work on other projects within your organization so you can work with people from different departments.  This is vitally important because you want to allow as many people as possible to get to know who you are and what level of work you are capable of.

(9)     Encourage & Motivate Yourself.  Learn how to sell or ‘promote’ yourself in any given situation, while maintaining a high level of personal integrity at the same time. Keep this in mind:  Motivation is the fuel you’ll use to power yourself up the corporate ladder. You’ll also need to know how to communicate your ideas in crisp, concise terms along the way.

(10)   Hire a success coach or executive coach to help you map out your success plan and get you trained up and developed for the next big promotion at your organization. 

I look forward to hearing about your successes on your job and in your business.

Your success coach,

Dr. Amy

Psychologist | Personal Development Expert | International Trainer

I am here to help when you need my assistance. Contact my office at (703) 873-7086 or via email at dramy@amyhymes.com  to learn more about our Corporate Coaching Packages - You will be elated with the results of one-on-one performance coaching!  

 Visit us on the web at:

 www.hymesandassociates.com  

for a description of all of our Human Resource Consulting

& Corporate Training Services

In Honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Birthday

I am so grateful to Dr. King and all those whose shoulders I stand on today to be where I am in life.   

To all of those involved in the civil rights movement, I say thank you for fighting for my civil rights, which has allowed me to get to the place where I can live out my dreams.  Every day I am thoughtful of the suffering that so many people endured just to allow me – a little black girl from John’s Island, South Carolina to live the big life that I currently have.  I am appreciative every day for the opportunities that I currently have in my life and vow never to take any of the liberties lightly.  I will be forever indebted to those who fought for my personal and social rights and endured so much pain, prejudice, and inequalities just to afford me the chances and possibilities that I have in my life today.

Thank you for the freedoms that I currently have.  I am so grateful that today, I too, have the opportunity to live the American dream!  Because of this, I made a promise to myself a few decades ago that I would never allow the struggles and lives lost in the fight for my civil rights go in vain.  I made a commitment to myself and to my parents a long time ago that I would take advantage of all the opportunities available to me. 

So when I think back to the struggles and obstacles I had to overcome to get to where I am in life today, I can keep in mind that it will never be comparable to the hardships and struggles made for us by the men and women who sacrificed their lives to afford us a seat at the table. Accordingly, in his 1968 essay entitled "A Testament of Hope," Dr. King wrote, “People are often surprised to learn that I am an optimist.  They know how often I have been jailed, how frequently the days and nights have been filled with frustration and sorrow, how bitter and dangerous are my adversaries.  They expect these experiences to harden me into a grim and desperate man.  They fail, however, to perceive the sense of affirmation generated by the challenge of embracing struggle and surmounting obstacles.” 

In the words of Dr. King, “We must never lose infinite hope”  Know that you can still fulfill your greatness by overcoming your personal obstacles!  It’s time to awaken the Dr. King spirit in all of us!  Let’s serve others and help as many people in our daily path to make positive changes in their lives and pursue their individual life dreams.  Are you with me?

Your Success Coach,

Dr. Amy Hymes, PhD

Psychologist | Author | Business Owner | Speaker & Trainer

When Dealing with Negative Spouses and Family Members

…… you have to find a way to gently lead them to information on how to shift their thinking and upgrade their mindset.

When we have negative people who are very close to us in our lives it can sometimes feel like sleeping with the enemy.  Sometimes it can seem like everything that we do to take one step forward in life, that person will find a way to smash the positive idea and highlight the negatives - thus pushing us two steps back.  So in order to maintain your sanity, you have to find a way to gently lead that person to new information, while at the same time not allowing yourself to get caught up in their negative emotional state. You have to boldly state to them "I am attempting to make positive strides in my life and would prefer to focus on the positive aspects  of the situation."  Let them know that you would prefer that the two of you grow together; however, you are willing to take the lead on this journey until they are willing to join you - keeping in mind that we cannot change another human being.  The desire to change must come from that individual.      

Dealing with negative people in general can be annoying; but managing negative spouses and family members does have a way of sucking the life out of you and hurting you to the core if you don't find a way to effectively deal with it.  Accordingly, you must always be willing and prepared to handle them with white gloves.  

Five Strategies to Deal with your Negative Spouse and/or Family Members:

1)  First and foremost, rather than trying to change the person, instead focus on uplifting and upgrading yourself and your knowledge.  You should remind the person that you love them; however, you would prefer to see more of the optimistic side of their personality.  After stating that, then share with them that you are not up to the battle for a disagreement, sarcastic comments, or anything that is unsubstantiated or opposing  to what you are about.  Instead, invite them to give or share their opinions only AFTER they have taken the time to research or study the subject and are able to have an intelligent conversation about the issue.   2)  Second, do not follow them up!  Let them know that you REFUSE to go down the negative road with them.  Announce that from this moment forward, you will be doing one of three things when they start down the negative path.  
            a.   You will remind (or warn) them once that you are receiving or hearing the 
                  information they are sharing as "negative" and allow them an opportunity to stop 
                  or change the behavior. 
            b.   If they do not cease with the negativity, you will politely gather your
                  belonging and leave the room to retreat to somewere by yourself.
            c.   If via telephone, inform them that you will be ending the conversation
                  immediately, and then hang up.

3) Third, learn to strengthen and encourage yourself.  Oftentimes we get extremely hurt by the negative things that our love ones say and do to us because we somehow gave away our  power to them and got to a point where we rely on them to encourage us. So what you need to do is to learn how to encourage yourself!  Find motivated positive minded people who can support you in your plans.  Surround yourself with people who are doing positive things.  Get to a place of strong emotional intelligence where that loved one words can no longer hurt you. Get tough skin so you can continue to push their negative energy out of your space. 

4)  Fourth, continue to show respect for the person - through their negativity- while demanding it for yourself.  Do not make fun of them, rather, focus on finding a way to stay upbeat and positve through their negativity.   

5)  Fifth, sit down and ask them HOW you can help them to get through this temporary phase.  You want to pose this behavior as a "temporary" situation indicating that you believe that they will change over to the positive enlighted side very soon.

Remember, when dealing with negative love ones, it is very important to concentrate on yourself, your goals and desires, and your behavior rather than on theirs.  DO NOT ALLOW them to take you down a path that does not represent who you are or who you want to become.  Instead, continue to be positive and to take steps in the right direction every day towards your goals and they will eventually see that you are changing or have changed for the better.  What you will  notice is that they will eventually stop the negative talk around you because misery loves company.  So when they notice that their comments are no longer getting a negative response from you, they will choose to change or move on to someone else who will feed into or support their negativity.  

Remember, it's always important to invite them to change and come over to the side of inner peace and happiness as often as you can.    

Your success coach,

Dr. Amy